sighz.
i dun even know where to begin with
i'm really sick n tired of everything
but what can i do??

i'm exploding
really am..
i wann to shout and shout and shout
i wann to drink till i drop dead
i wanna to be myself and just simply show u the i'm sad look
i wann to let you know that i am stress
i wann to tell u that i've given in my best in all alr.
i wann tell u that i still have my freaking A levels to take
i wann to vent every single frustration out.
i wann to tell u that i've always worked hard

why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why
noone seems to see all the efforts i've put in
noone seems to even care about my feelings
noone seems to even hear me out.

it doesnt mean that when i remain silent, i'm okay
it doesnt mean that when i dun show out, i'm not hurt
i wann to vanish into thin air..

bye
off to study through the night
memorizing the stupidest thing stem cells and their application
plus all the social ethical concerns.
plus recapping through the eleven disgusting gsc essays
plus reviewing through my suckiest subject of all now, CHEMISTRY!
wahh, LIFE SUCKS TO THE MAXIMUM NOW

and tml go hospital and there goes my service
arghs.
i damn pek cek now
dun talk to me even though u see the happy face of mine
because i will most likely explode the next moment,
ARGGHHHSSSS!!!!

i typed, write, pray, worship and do so many dumb things but i'm still feeling so argghhhs

all thanks to very nice
i spent 1 plus hour watching shows on youtube
when i'm supposed to be using comp to see prelim bio answers
or sleeping cause i wake up at 5am to study today for chem paper!!!
=.=
anyway, i guess i'm isolated from the world..
i just got to know more about ms singapore 09 when i look all the videos vanice showed me
wahh, i'm overwhelmed..
and this post is all abt my feelings..

i guess she can speak normally
consider her 8 razor interviews..
probably she's just too nervous for the first one.
and true the way ppl react reflects a typical singaporean
make a fuss out of a small little thing...
thanks to the subtitles that her pronounciations is worse.

i'm not a fan of hers but somehow i feel for her. :/
not sympathy or whatsoever but true feelings.
oh my, i seriously feel like crying when i see her interviews..
as in come on, she's just a 19 yr old person
one yr older than me
and she needs to face all these frm the media...
:(

yeah, of course i disagree to her cheating and her lies
but i'm amazed that she faces all in her own strides
going up to the media to admit her mistakes
going up to the media to tell about claire.
going up to the media to give up her crown
HAVE ANYONE WONDERED HOW MUCH COURAGE ONE NEEDS??

what wrong did she do?
speak in singlish and being herself in the first interview
which i believe it will be what we hear on streets of orchard road.
and ppl are escalating it up to a whole fuss
this let me come to a realisation
NEW MEDIA: TOO MUCH SENSATIONALISM, NOT MUCH SENSE.

and pls, her chinese standards is above average
instead of commenting about her english standards
why not those english ppl reflect about their chi standards
and those chinese ppl reflect if their eng standards are like hers
and improve on themselves
why bother to criticize?
like what mr toh(lol) always say
look into the mirror before commenting on others

yeah, her cheating crimes and all are wrong.
but she's suffering from an illness.
noone wants to be born this way.
but i'm glad that she admitted it courageously
hello there,
if you have a mental disorder and cant even identify that stealing is wrong,
would u be able to survive the mental ordeals she been thru?
going up to the media and admit ur mistakes and all.
it takes so much courage and all.
for this, i salute her.

and she's a nice and simple girl
thats what i like about her.
she goes the extra mile for people (:

unlike you know who, claire.
i mean so what if u can speak more fluently?
so what if u may be better in a lot of other areas, but your character is badd?
it wun get u far either...
yeah, give me a vote, i'll still choose ris over claire.

and hahahahaha
this political situation is like our class heh.
-.-
but all these good impressions of her dun stay long either
as i was really about to cry for her
vanice showed me the most recent one
and thats it mann.
no more feelings for her...

i mean hello how can one possible wear a bikini and jeans in orchard road?
-.-
and stripped anytime just because u have a bikini underneath?
huh.. i totally go zzzzzzz
yeah, tats the end..

i salute ris for her courage
i despise claire for being super fake and of course ris for lying again and again...
yupps.
ms spore should be neither of them!
it should be.........
VANICE!!!!
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

okay, i've just wasted 3 hrs of my precious time on comp
watching shows, blogs and all
its time for me to sleep
ahhs. this MUST STOP!
these 3 hours i would have learnt so much more if i listened to a sermon
:/

sighh
tats what i dislike abt myself
i do stupid things
and ended up complaining i've no time for this and that...
zzzzzz!
i need a breakthru in this area mann!
BYE

i've wasted my weekend away i guess..
but oh well nvm.
life's getting tough.
:/

anyway, bye aubrey!
hope u'll have a safee trip!
(:

here come the most terrible day
4 papers in one day..
but nvm, i trust that God will bring me thru.
going back to sch to do try this thurs to prepare my hand for the pain
=.=

anyway, i spent hours reading ppl's blogs.
some really set me to think.. :/
i guess i really learn a lot from these posts.
that yes, everyone is having A levels now and i'm glad that God is still the constant factor in most of my church friends lives. (:
although some papers are really bleagh, but yeah, choose to praise God.
an said something from proverbs in which we shld give thanks.. (:

another one i leant from limin's blog.
a whole list of blessed are....
wow. it just amazes me
even in all the cuiest plus worst time, God can change things round.
choose your focus
God or problem.
for me, i'll choose God..
God, only you know what i'm really feeling and facing now,
so yeah, help me to focus on you..

another one i learnt from someone's blog.
huh, but God u know i just made this decision..
and now i read abt this...
i guess its God asking me to see ppl like how he views ppl.
true, many times, i see and hear so much badd things abt him
that yeah, i start to judge and...
ahh, but whatever God, i'm nt listening to this for now..
maybe i'll be nice again when something happens?

anyway, i wanna thank a special teacher
i think without her i would most prob be... dunno where?
lol.
thanks for all the encouragement and knocking me back to my senses these days
(:
she must be God sent.

going off to rest now
for now, i'm overwhelmed with a lot of things.
going to reflect with God soon..
byess

AHH I HAVE A LOT OF THINGS TO SAYY!!
first week of a levels is over!!

anyway, i really thank GOD for being GOD
i dunno how to express it
this is my very first time
I STEPPED INTO THE EXAM HALL WITH NO FEELINGS
was talking to ronald and he say maybe cause burn out
but i choose to believe its GOD WORKING IN ME!
the peace i felt was really indescribable
seriously!

hmmm lets begin with sunday
with me talking to mr ronald from 12am till 5am
tried to sleep at 5 but cant
did some math and sleep from 1130 till1830!!
then VANICE coming over my house to stay over till 3am
and of course we nvr slack lah
was doing math
then talked about prom and other stuff also
yayae. we wearing same colour for prom
-.-

monday i started to revise math
played basketball in the afternoon
i cant believe myself either
mann one day b4 paper and i can still play
but i cant resist the temptation!!
next time cannot go macs study liaoo
see ppl play i also wann play
=X
that night i didnt do much
on phone since 7pm till 12pm with diff ppl of course..
and i worshipped and pray with the song in christ alone!

then wake up and study.
before exams i got a but nervous lah
but i stopped studyin ang spent 30 mins to worship and pray
and after that the feeling totally gone
i'm serious
i go sch super calm and vanice and alina ask me
wendy ahh, why u no feeling de ahh
lol.
i thought i'll freak out when the hall door open
but nope. i went in PEACEFULLY
then i know it is GOD alr.. i nvr felt this way before

and math paper one i flipped open
with my first round only finishing 2, 5, 7, 9.
the rest dunno. i stopped and prayed
again GOD LEAD ME ON!
really really.
ended up i completed all except one (:
i was dead tired after math
but thank GOD for strength!
i lasted till 12am to finish recap bio
then again pray and worship
then wake up at 5 to study gp

tues papers are really blessed!
IT IS GOD WHO TELL ME WAT TO STUDY FOR ONE!
really.
gp p1 i did EXACT SAME QN as i prepared b4..
p2 was okayy too..
bio essay i GUESS IS THAT TOO!!
cause when i was studying the night b4.
i got this somewhat feel that nervous system is impt..
anyway, was studying with vanice and meixi during the break
and i bet nervous will come out with them
AND IT DID!!!!
(: MUAHHAHAHAHAHA.

then I SLACK LIKE NVR BEFORE
came home and sleep
discuss gp n bio with ronald for hours
study chem and I realised i FORGET EVERYTHING!!
=X
i studied chem twice before sleeping
stupid sis take away my earpiece and i didn't managed to worship that nite
i woke up LATE for chem paper
my goodness!!
me and vanice wann to wake each other up at 5 to study
I WAKE UP AT 710
i rushed to sch like shit
again, didn't worship
and guess what
yes, my chem paper is badd

know what i'm hinting at
yes. the importance of going thru papers with God
is so different can
wahh
i can't believe i cant do chem when every other ppl can do
actually i'm quite disappointed lahh
so i no mood study math
i think i wasted 5 hours to think abt my chem can
1 hour to rot in sch to reflect
talked to jacqueline, danny, ronald on phone to discuss chem
keep calculating my marks.
suddenly, some evil thoughts cross my mind and tat motivated me to study math
lol.

yupps, of course i worshipped that night
wake up and prayed and worship too
and math paper was alrights
but some careless mistakes..

ahhh.
a level like over alr can?
next week only chem paper 2
next next week only go sch one day take all 4 papers
next next next week bio paper 1
as i was bathing just now i was thinking
will i regret someday?

i know that i'm nt really giving in my 100000% during A levels.
but before A levels i really got give in my super best lahh..
i dunno lea..
but one day before each paper
even if i study also can't really go in
so i only ended up flipping thru my self made notes only...
spent the other times teaching ppl on phone
talking crap with ronald
yeahh..
each day i just have the feeling
wah, i'm so glad i got this privilege to take A levels.
yeahh.

perhaps a change in perspective
i used to focus on exams and the results itself
but now i focus on the fact that it is indeed a blessing from God that i've come thus far..
really.. i dunno how to put it but yeahh..

last time during exams
i always rush through everything
hope that i can finish and do super well
but A levels is different
i do it slowly at my own pace
really relishing the moments in the exam hall.
quite weird
but really, think of it
how many ppl in this world can take exams...
yeahh. and i kinda look forward to every papers..
cause it just makes me feel so much thankful and all.

okayy enought about A levels.
i was reflecting on my whole life ytd.
mann, i'm 18!
hahaha.
i cried when i compare the same life before knowing and after knowing God.
yeahh, i really hope to reach out to the world soon...

even after knowing God, life hasnt been a bed of roses
consider my j1 life
filled with endless activities and due dates
plus a pain girl in my class
wahh, i cant imagine where would i be without God's assurance.
i know it is God that walked me thru my j1 life..

and j2 life was nth but all studies.
come to think of it
i realised that i'm hardworking actually..
ever since term 3, i stopped eating lunch with my class ppl
every single break go lib to study
come home also study
on my way to church also study.
mann.
its only after prelims i kinda regain my life.
i started to eat with my class ppl
talked more to them
and realise all the fake truths that the pain girl is doing...
hang out and got to know some hi bye frens better
and yeah, they also tell me what the pain girl is doing...

saying this makes me reflect
sometimes i wonder why is she like this
as in is there really any joy in talking bad things abt ppl?
and worse still these things are all fake.
is it right to push the blame to others when u are the one who started it?
is it right for one to judge ppl and then going around and tell people your judgement?
why will one have so many different sides?

whatever it is, i'm glad i didnt do anything much either
say all u wann on ur blog
say all u wann to all ur other friends or whatsoever
i dun really care.

i'm really thankful to God that period of time
for being there for me
thank you Lord for being just
for upholding the righteous ones.
yupps. i dun even need to go around and tell ppl about u
i dun even need to write on my blog abt u
yeahh, ppl can see and judge for themselves...

and i was talking to some ppl
and they said something which really hit me hard.
actually like it or not, believe it or not
ppl come to know God or turn away from God when they see our lives.
and because of her actions, 2 persons rejected God.
:( :(

anyway, back to what i was saying
my life!
i really thank God for this life
i think i've kind of wasted my 18 yrs..
mann. life after A levels gonna be diff for sure.
(:

off to work really hard for chem
i need to do very well for paper 2 to make up for my sucky paper 3
ahhh. God pls make a way out!!
although i screw up my paper 3 terribly like nvr before
i wun give up
i'm fighting on!

i'm a conqueror co heir with Christ
i love this!
i spent every night repeatint the song in Christ alone
every morning before each papers repeatint the sone
the desert song and still!
(:

the feeling is so different...
it's just wierd.. =X

anyway, i love the whole of todays service.
praise and worship is really super great!!!
and we sang in Christ alone! (:
i guess daniel preached powerfully too.
(: ahh, today service was really really good
i msged my frens to ask if there's anything to pray for!
i gonna start praying for the world..
(:

i wanna thank God for peace..
as in i can't really say i dun worry at all
sometimes i will when i see the stupid exam hall
but i managed to conquer it slowly with God
i go to the sch hall faithfully to do mock papers -.-
to conquer the scary hall tgt with God!
yeahh, and the fear is no longer that strong.

i wanna take time to thank ppl in my life
alina and vanice!
for doing mock papers with me
and telling me all the lamest joke ever when i'm stress
i guess they play a big part for my lack of stress too!

MISS PIGGY!!!!!!
for mugging at macs till night time with me..

shuyi!
for msging me thru the night so that i wun sleep and can study more.

and all my wonderful teachers!
who give me all the consultations n helping me!

szehui!
for talking to me.
(:

yeahh. anyway, gp mock paper was a blessed one.
i waited outside the exam hall and i was super nervous
and its only MOCK i dun even know why i'm so scared..
zzzz. then i turn and tell alina wahh, siann. i'm scared again..
then there she goes with her lameness and i'm fine.
yeahh, and my mock results were excellent too
is a low A for gp...
i think maybe now the teachers all very lenient so tat we wun feel so stress?
lol. but whatever it is, i hope i can do well in the real one too!!

yeah
life still rocks a lot..
it is diff from O levels..
so much diff
and it sort of bang upon me that its God that makes the difference
after A levels i'm gonna go all out to reach out to the world
cant wait to do voluntary work with meiyen, szehui and shuyi!
cant wait to evax with elaine via her method...
nvr even try it before.. but i guess it'll be better than surveys..
(:
okayy
i'm off to finish more math...
sigh
its 108am alr.
whole day only go church and study 2 chapters of stats...
but is the bestest day of the week
cause of CHURCH
no cause of ppl in church but really GOD.
today's service is just very very different...
as in i also dunno how to put it...
=X

okay
BYE BYE
jiayou to u if u're like me taking A levels
=X it'll be over real SOON!

in Christ alone, i place my trust,
and find my glory in the power of the cross
in every victory, let it be said of me,
my source of strength, my source of hope,
is christ alone.

this song hit me super hard these days..
in Christ, we are more than conquerors
and yeah, these few days have been kinda peaceful
cause i've kinda learn that God is in control and all
and the feeling is different..
though sleepless nights still occurs at times...

anyway, i guess i most probably won't have time to complete my whole revision anyways
yeahh, zzzz
but nvmm, shall see how and let God lead.
2 more weeks left..
and yeahh, so many tons of work undone..
:(

these whole week is spent at MACS
-.- and i'm falling sick
anyway, really enjoyed elaine presence
as in its so different...
i can talk to her abt church and all so freely
and somehow i really wonder
why same God but so different practices?
whatever it is, i'm so glad to have elaine in my life
yay! after A levels, we going to heed out to the beach and do qt tgt
gonna outreach tgt and all
can't wait for a levels to end mann..
and i'm so glad that her thinking and all is different from others..
yeah, thank God for you la miss piggy

helped my classmates in sch these few days
and today something dumb happened.
we were in concourse since morning then around 3 plus
we saw someone who look exactly like ms goh leave the sch lea
then we decided to disturb her.. we all smsed the same thing to her
and guess what, ended up she said she's still in rm 210 la
zzzz. so super paiseh can...
lol
we ended up going 210 to study...
got aircon! yeahh, blesssing in disguise (:

gonna continue going sch next week for consultations
sighh
at this rate
i doubt i can finish this whole thingy
i'll just do watever i can..
looking at the stacks of things to complete make me feel like dying..
i just hope that A levels will faster come
i am sick and tired of preparing for it
counselling stress ppl and teaching ppl
see what a levels have done to us
arghhs
oh well
i welcome the option of retaining anyway...
i dun even feel like entering uni now.
zzzzz

perhaps when we are in the valleys
only then we rely on God more and look to him?
ahh, nvmm. dun think anyone understand what i meant
but oh well, i needa love ppl
no matter who they are.
so yes, God help me not to judge pls!!

alrites
ive spent close to an hour to type this!!!!
oh my. going to complete the stupid APGP by tonite
and needa wake up early tml...
bye bye

oh my oh my oh my
i kinda pissed off with myself
today noone was at home
really noone
and i thought i will study so much better
but ended up sleeping and watching shows
=X
ahh, regret regret

sigh
i have 2 more math chapters to complete
1 more bio to complete
and i still needa study for bio paper tml
=X
ahhh
i screwed up my own day
i feel so argghhss!

God, pls pls help me to finish all those by today mann...
=X
sighh
the feelings of sitting for exams sucks totally
counting down not to the start of papers
but the the END OF A LEVELS!
i wanna do so many things!