it has been a long time since i last blog.
cause my laptop spoil... =X
sighh.

oh my. i am kinda scared..
prelims is only 2 weeks away.
haven really study finish.
and ohh my, i need work harder...

and i am still watching shows.
zzz. bang bang tang last episode.
=X haha. one show down.

i love magic 18.
is really nice!
i am still watching and crying at the same time..
=X
shall focus on my show..

GOD IS AWESOME!!!
my sister finally accepted Christ ytd! (: (: (:
thank God for making a way
and being so great to me.

after telling her for 1 yr and 7 months, God finally touched her ytd
anyway, this stupid girl is really irritating.
we say meet at 12.30 at je
guess what time did she reach?
2.04 pm
wahh. i was really really angry
and some stuff happen and she even scold me vulgar
and this badd girl still make me walk here and there to buy her sweets!
arggghhhs.
she cause me to be later than my other visitors
and this i very zai yi one!
i can't be later than my visitors.
i complained to aubrey
and i tell her that i am so nvr going to bring my sis to church again!

so we quarrelled on train.
and finally she know that she is in the wrong and apologised.
okayy. thank God that everything is okay in church.
RENDITION ROCKS.
the audition of life.
the contestants: us
the judge: God
the votes: the cross.
(: (: (:

anyway, thank God for hearing my prayers.
i prayed hard for my sis.
and anyway, i cried during worship not cause of her
but me!
oh my goodness, when i look at my life, i am...
ahhs. sorry God, for making you go thru that for me...
=X

anyway, during the last part
i was like telling God
oh my. i bring my sis so many times to church alr.
shared my testimony to her like so many times
and if she is inspired, she would have accepted christ long time before.
so i was asking God to make her raise up her hand
i dunno what to tell her also...
if i tell her, then she say i force her etc...
so i just keep prayin and praying
and woohoo!!

when pastor shirls ask anyone want to accept christ,
SHE RAISED UP HER HAND!
i was like.
wow God u are amazing.
i dun believe it then i ask her straight
ehh. u serious ahh?
she nodded her head.
then she ask me mummy that side how?
lol. i also dunno how. then i just say dun tell her first lo.
and tada. there she goes and accept Christ! (:
(: i am really really happy happy.

but then again
I HATE MYSELF FOR FAILING GOD'S TESTINGS.
argghhs. how can the selfish thought that i dun wann bring my sis to church just because she irritates me come into my mind?
oh my... this is terrible.
but yeahh. i repented.
=X

thank God for chenhui.
who acc my sis.
and thank God for making a way out for him
he is a busy mann.
sch in the morning and in the evening.
thank God that the tchr nvr scold him when he is late.
and thanks for telling my sis all about God.
(:

sighhh.
here's the tough part
how to help her grow close to God?
i really wann her to be a true follwer of Christ...
but she can't go church now...
how? =X

anyway, i am really really happy!!! (:
woohoo.
and i asked God for one thing.
to increase my compassion for ppl..
sighh. i dunno how i can bring ppl to church
when i have so many things to do....

heart of worship.

anyway, i love my church
seriously, i am thankful that this church teach me the right stuff
despite the heavy commitment required...
but u know something.
i was studying with some christians today at je lib
and i invited them for rendition part 2
and they say they dun have to go church anymore.
its not impt
as long as u say the sinners prayers, is enough
i am like
WHAT?!!!
sighhh. nvmmm. i think like what pastor shirls say is correct
a lot of ppl come from missionary schs and yes, they know abt God
they accept Christ
but they are yet to be true followers of God...

God once again refresehed me and showed me the importance of God's kingdom
the joy i receieved when i see my sis accepting Christ
is so much more more more than getting straight As for A levels.
SIS, I LOVE YOU!!! (:
may you continue to draw near to God (:

hmmm. a lot of things happened these days.
=X but i am thankful for cg. (:
tuesday was a really bad dayy for me.
did some foolish stuff and cried.
thank God for mdm lim, aubrey and cg,
ahh. i miss mdm sim..

anw. i didn't study this week
zzz. okay. this weekend must do work.

anyway, I LOVE BIO LESSONS.
somehow, i think bio lessons are the only one that is interesting and useful..
(: woo. ms Goh is nice.
yeah. she is super fierce on the outside but really nice.
wahh. i nvr sleep in bio lesson
and though today bio lesson is from 11am till 2.45pm
wahh. i am so not tired at all.
so interesting n i really think. haha.

God, i pray for contacts.
=X ESS is a week away...

it is 2am in the morning and here i am blogging.
not to type any random post but to do some raelly serious reflections..

i dun really know why i failed all my h2.
when i know that i failed chem i was really cui.
but when i know that i failed bio again, which i failed even much worse
i totally got no feeling at all.
what is exactly happening to me?
is it that i really dun care anymore
cause i am too used to all the things ppl say
God has a future for you.

at times, i really think that i would be able to excel so much more without God
i mean, i would def have more time to study
be more anxious abt my results
be more competitive and everything...
siggh.
nahh. dun worry. i am not backsliding.

perhaps i have been taking God for granted
knowing that he will see me thru at times make me wann to slack
and yes, i admit i ought to change this attitude.
or perhaps it has gone the opposite
because i know that everything is alr predestined,
i dun wann to give in more effot
for fear that i will fail despite hardwork...
if i dunno God at this stage, i won't be thinking of all this stuff...

and yeahh.
of course i am so afraid and stress that a lot of things just crop up in my mind
i seriously consider retain cause no point getting all U for my a levels
but too bad, is nt up to me to decide at this point of time.
no choice but to work harder and harder.

so yes, all my days were spent revising and studying
totally no God in my life
except when saying grace?
no quiet time, no worship
totally NOTHING
and i can even tell aubrey on sat that service is wasting my time?!
this is so super not me!

i had a long long talk with mr er today.
regarding some stuff and somehow
i think God just came into our conversation
he reminded me the importance of quiet time
and i admit to him that i haven do qt since sch reopen!
siggh.
what is christianity all about?
RELATIONSHIP with God.
why i can't trust God?
because the relationship isn't there!
how true ahhs...

so i came home, slept, woke up, eat and study at the same time
then i started worship
not for very long though.
and the song is how can i keep from singing.
and yeah, i felt refreshed a bit
but a big portion of me want to go back to reality
that is to face this huge mountain of prep work for A levels...

somehow, i managed to complete what i set out to finish.
i thought i couldn't, so i told limin and aubrey i not going cg tml.
suddenly, God reminds me of the word, DESIRE, what mr er said also
how true. how much do i desire to seek God?
how much do i desire to go for cg?
if i have the DESIRE, God will move.

so, the usual me start testing God again
ermms. dun do that. its kinda badd.
i tell God, I HAVE 6 chapters of bio revision to do
and it is 9pm.
how am i going to finish everything by wednesday if i still go cg.
somehow, GOD REALLY MOVE!
(:
i completed 5 chapters and left one for tml...

and a big question just pop into my mind again
will this be possible without God?
nope. so yeahh. God is still great after all.
of course, we cannot determine God's values via circumstances..
but somehow, all this circumstances really teach me a lot.

i believe in what mr er said. all things happen for a reason.
i guess God is really testing me this time round
am i still willing to keep this relationship now that i did so badly for common tests.
serve me right for testing God again and again huh..
most impt know that in all circumstances,
who am i?
A CHILD OF GOD!
when he said that, i can feel tears in my eyes!

i am really convicted that God is real and alive after going thru so much with Him.
but now, the impt thing is so what if he is alive?
am i really following him etc...
i want to be a christ follower in my HEART, not BRAIN!

i really wann thank God for putting all the ppl in my life.
those encouraging ones who is always there to encourage me on.
my cg, elaine, pf, xw, ron, mr er, mdm lim, sarah...
and the list goes one.
and even those thorns in my life, i know that God put them to grow my character.

a lot of little blessings that God really did today despite knowing i did so badly.
first was the understanding from mr er and the super ultra long talk which really bring me back to God.
then there is elaine, aubrey, emelia, limin to ask me not to be discouraged etc.
then there is a random sms from xiaowen, asking me nt to stress myself up
then there is sarah, who encouraged me on too when i felt so zzz.
then there is ms ong, who patiently explain to me what is telomeres even though she know i nvr listen to her lecture. -.-
then there is ms goh, who scolds me to wake me up to face the reality and showing me all the dumb mistakes i made.
then there is ronald, who although suan me, but yeahh, that's the truth. i got to work hard.
then there is adeline, who brings me through gp lesson, when we talked crap through.
then there is jacqueline, thank God for protecting her.
then there is peifang lending me some bio tutorial
then there is my class ppl, coming to lib to study with me.
then there is jean, giving me some ovaltines. and yes, thats my breakfast and lunch!
and yeahh. the list goes on.
all this things really warms my heart
although i may reply short smses, but yeahh.
i am really touched!

aubrey, i know that u will be reading this.
see, no matter how bad we may be
God will still bless!
take time out to reflect and you will be amazed by what God does!
but of course, we need to repent and go back to God. (:

God, this is my DESIRE.
to serve you to love you with all that i have.
i need to start with qt qt qt qt qt qt!
yes. work can be left till tml.
but i dun wann miss out God.
its going to be hard, but i'll try.

why are christians so wierd?
why would they want to commit themselves to church?
this is a typical qn i asked when i was young
and now i know
because
GOD FIRST COMMIT TO US.

i can't imagine a life without God
so scaryy.
noone to turn to in the dark nights...
yes, thank God for God.

goodbye. strangely i am still not tired. its going to be 2.30
i shall do more bio till 4am
sleep a while then go sch..
maybe i can sleep a while during gp..
but i better not slp in math,
hah. cause i promised mdm lim to pay more attention!
lol.

anyway, yes this is term 3...
=X
i used to imagine how life would be in term 3
and now yes, i am living in it...
warning: this i going to be an abnormal post...

anyway, i really feel that i am so not myself these days
perhaps i have watched too much of magic 18 shows?
lol. but yeahh.
but mainly, i know the reason deep in my heart
i am so distant away from God
and yet, i am not doing anything about it
:(

it all started with the first day of temr 3
where one by one all the revision schedule comes in...
and i got to know the fact that
prelims are in six weeks time
and it clashes with the leadership conference i signed up from church
=X

and yes, i drown in my own circumstances.
i really dunno what to do.
how? oh my goodness
everything seems so near
last week marks the end of common tests which i did badly
6 to 7 weeks later marks prelims
after prelims marks A levels.

and the usual me is to try to do things to get my mind off...
so i do and do and do and do and do and do and do MORE AND MORE things
try attempting as much qns as i can from the revision books
and they are so thick
nvr seems to end...

and then on wednesday, Ms Goh, our new bio tutor came in..
and she starts saying about getting ourselves ready for A levels and stuff
and i know that i can't take it anymore
yes its like so wierd.
when she is saying those things, tears sort of well up in my eyes
i seriously dunno why i am tearing
i smsed aubrey but she nvr reply..
anyway, after that got back our bio paper
and she went through it
i really like her style of teaching
super great! can recap and test my concept
seriously, i can't wait for bio tutorial tml! (:
and she is a really nice teacher although she looks super fierce
like AUBREY LEE! (:

after her lesson, i went to find pf and talked to her
thanks girl (:
i really wann thank God for her, elaine and my cg ppl
elaine is really so super nice
i talked to her over phone cause she have paper next day
and then i told her everything
i cant believe that i told her i wann stop serving God
this is so so so wrong
where has the passion gone to?
unstoppable church camp is LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY!!!

ahhhhs. and then she started to tell me the importance
and how God taught her an impt lesson etc
and it sort of bring me back to my mind...

anyway, after bathing i started worshipping in my room
and then i broke down during worship
huh... although aubrey says i always cry during worship
but now is at home
its like so different!
i cried at home? and my parents were both at home can?
but duh. you know what they are doing
-.-

anyway, after that i slept and woke up to do more work
but thank God for being there with me through it all
(:
dunno why either i am extremely tired today...

although i may not know what results may turn out
one thing i need to learn
trust God.
but how?
:(
i told limin that yeah, i am going to stop serving God in some aspects...
but i am really afraid.

3 persons have told me this
if something hinders you from giving your all to God
He will remove that thing from you..
huh... then if i focus too much in studies
will God take it away from me?
:(

sometimes it is just so difficult to make a decision
if i can, i also wann outreach every single day and sing his praises in choir
yeahh. i still need to live in this world...
or am i like what ronald say
too obsessed till my thinking is totally distorted?
=X

haiis. but anyway, yes
now i have made the decision to outreach on thurs only
2 hours per week to bring the lost to God
5 hours per week for service plus fellowship
4 hours per week for caregroup
0.5 hours per day to seek God
its alr close to a day of time
plus still have sherpherdings, unit meetings etc.
oh mann

somehow, i think what aubrey says may be true
life without God, we will be able to live so much freely
cause we wun really need to think about what God will think with every action that we do
and we could have spend so much more time outside...
but yes, deep in my heart, we both know that
a life without God is MEANINGLESS!

bring me back to the heart of worship Lord.
hold my hand, never let me go
i really can't take a step without you
you must be greater greater greater in me!
this is my prayer.
and i know that ppl around me are facing the stress too
God, i pray that you will save them too.
(:

oh mann.
i have wasted my 4 days holidays
:( didn't study much
watched more shows
and is about magic somemore. -.-
and i am addicted to it i think..
i wann to be able to do magic too. lol.

mummy bought blanket for me and sis
(: yay. and i slept so well ytd
thank God for the peace
and i woke up at 12 plus today instead of 9
-.- study nitro compounds only
and ended up slacking

anyway, one thing i dun understand is
why are there so many different types of christians out there?
:( so wierd...
i saw some holy spirit baptism videos and its kinda scary
i was holy spirit baptised but i wasn't baptised that way..
and i left a comment there wondering if that was really holy spirit baptism
one person from a church similar to mine replied.
another one says holy spirit dun exist etc..
??????

and guess what
i am in the midst of explaining and proving to aubrey and elaine
that holy spirit exist
and we are def not talking rubbish when speaking in tongues...

okay. shall post next time
i wann to give my fullest participation in discussing outreach online
take care! (:

i love my church (:

went for prayer meet at suntec city
hope singapore grew to 4300 in 4 yrs.
isn't GoD great?
(:

i wanted to study ytd
but ended up talking nonstop with elaine and went out shopping with sister
-.- did nothing
okay. today must do something alr
i shall stop procrastinating!

and i saw the west ppl outreaching for 3 consecutive days
one day at huayi gate
second day at jp kfc
third day at jp lib
wahh. they are really hardworking.
i need to change! i am wasting my time off.
i shall stop wasting me time
and focus on studies and outreaching!

met aubrey and went for prayer meet tgt
and we were still discussing about the end age things
ahhs. it is really scary and freaking me up
although i really hope that jesus will come down
but i dun wann the non-belevers to suffer
and neither do i want to be persecuted by the antichrist
oh mann. and i think may happen in this generation lehh
i need to outreach more more more more more more more

we reach there late and we were directed to some seats
that were surrounded by all adults
wow. wierd. but its okay
I LOVE AUBREY!
(: i can be frank with her cause she is frank with me too
talk all the deep deep things in out hearts and we prayed for one another
i think our prayers must be the longest
when ppl worhsip alr, we still praying
and and i see God touching us.
i cried when she prayed for me
and she cried when i prayed for her
haha. we only realised this at the end of prayer meet
(: yes, thanks sis.

and guess what. i saw sarah
the teacher who brought my to church
and wow. it must be God's plan for us to sit there
haven see her for super long time
and i am really really happy to see her ytd.
but we only manage to catch up a while
cause prayer meet end around 10.45!!!
must really meet her up to talk
i kinda miss her...
think she understands the most cause same situation.

oh ya. i am excited!
my church is growing
and soon we will have a church building
cool cool
God is awesome
from a ballroom to nexus auditorium to a whole church building
(: (:

awww. during offering i gave my last note WILLINGLY
but i am kinda worried
cause no more money
but guess what, on my way home
i found a one dollar coin
yes, GIVE AND YOU WILL RECEIVE!
yay. God's blessings
when aubrey lost her wallet last sat, she not only managed to found back her wallet
pls the amount of money actually increase by $2
how great God is!
(:

anyway, i reach home at 12 plus
and mummy was obviously pissed
when she call, she ask me sleep downstairs
haha. but i know she not so cruel one lahh
thankfully she nvr lock the big lock...
yeah. just got scolded
but i think THINGS ARE IMPROVING
last time she will even hit and slap me one
now only scoldings
and i have faith that things will be even better
she will not stop me from going church stuff
and perhaps she will serve God too!
HELLO TO YOU IF YOU ARE PERSECUTED
hang in there and God will make a way out!
(:

and of course she dun allow me go service today
but haha.
she went out early in the morning
which means. woohoo
i can go service!!
YAY.

okayys
going off to really study!
going for service later (:
thank God for being God.
i am really really thankful..
without God in my life, i can't imagine where will i stand.
God, pls continue to be so much greater in my life (:

woohoo. common tests are finally OVER
except gsc..
today is both a happy and sad day.
really glad that common test is over.
but a lot more sad things happen.
:(

bio paper is the worst!!
i can't answer almost every single question
and the feeling SUCKS totally
argghhs!
and i think i prepared a lot for it lehh
:(
chem is also badd.
all the simple questions i cannot answer.
and of course i nvr finish also
and i forgot some h3 concepts that were tested.
=X
math i thought was quite okay
then i compare and compare answer
realised that i made quite a lot of mistakes.
gp is long over
but yeahh. i no time write finish also.

:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

feel super zzz. i told mummy that i may do badly
and she start nagging say i not focus
everyday go church bla bla bla
arghhs. oh mann. this is badd
i musn't let church activities affect my studies.
i need work a lot a lot harder.
i can't afford to slack anymore.
i am going to change :"(
but i am not sure how long i can last either.
haiis..

went shopping with pf they all
met xw and a lot of others and ate kfc
and guess what
i haven eat finish
and the person clear my tray??!!!
my mashed potato still there lehh
wanted to take home and give daddy one...
haiis.

shop around and
then went popular
i wanted to buy box file cause i got no file
and guess wat no more sale?!
wahh. bad bad day.

when we were about to leave jp
we went into this cd shop
and i saw my junior from choir..
haiis. WHY WHY WHY??
she dropped out of sch and work full time in that shop
and she carries cigeratte.. :(
oh mann. i almost cried there pls!!!

God, why why why
why did so many happen during this period of time?
are you trying to show me something?
my cousin got into jail
my pri sch classmate got into jail
cause they are from the same gang that are loansharks
and they are only 18!! like me!
and my childhood friend, who used to be so hardworking
i cherish the times we spent studying and playing tgt
and now, she becomes another gangster
who ran away from home
GIRL, WHERE ARE YOU NOW??? :(
then now this junior
my dear choir friend, whom i used to teach her how to sing?
she is really so super nice can,
always there to talk, crap and to cheer me up..
i missed singing our hearts out tgt
i missed pratising and chionging hard for syf tgt
i missed YOU totally
:(

why why?
why did they give up on themselves
:(

then i board the bus alone
and i start reflecting
where would i be if i dun have God?
and it suddenly dawn upon me that i may be one of them..
and i really feel so so so so so burden.
i wann to help them but how?
they are really good ppl
it hurts me. it really really hurts
to the extent that tears welled up in my eyes.
:"(
THEY NEED GOD
GOD, YOU MUST BE GREATER!
a lot a lot a lot greater...

i must learn to count my blessings (:

although i may not be rich, but thank God that
-i have a shelther and food
-parents that still give in their best to maintain this house
-for putting wonderful ppl in my lives to help me too

although i may not be smart, but thank God
-i can still study
-my future is secure in God's hands.

just when i was about to tell myself
i need to be more focus on studies instead
God let me see this side of the world
and it motivates me a lot a lot
i wan to focus on studies and not neglecting his ministry
i wann to play my little little part
and win the world for God
(:

and mr er said something really encouraging...
may God multiply you
yes, although i am not able
GOD IS ABLE!!
God lead me on.
i need you.

nights! i gonna rely on God's strength
and not me (:

i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me
-philippians 4: 13