it is 2am in the morning and here i am blogging.
not to type any random post but to do some raelly serious reflections..

i dun really know why i failed all my h2.
when i know that i failed chem i was really cui.
but when i know that i failed bio again, which i failed even much worse
i totally got no feeling at all.
what is exactly happening to me?
is it that i really dun care anymore
cause i am too used to all the things ppl say
God has a future for you.

at times, i really think that i would be able to excel so much more without God
i mean, i would def have more time to study
be more anxious abt my results
be more competitive and everything...
siggh.
nahh. dun worry. i am not backsliding.

perhaps i have been taking God for granted
knowing that he will see me thru at times make me wann to slack
and yes, i admit i ought to change this attitude.
or perhaps it has gone the opposite
because i know that everything is alr predestined,
i dun wann to give in more effot
for fear that i will fail despite hardwork...
if i dunno God at this stage, i won't be thinking of all this stuff...

and yeahh.
of course i am so afraid and stress that a lot of things just crop up in my mind
i seriously consider retain cause no point getting all U for my a levels
but too bad, is nt up to me to decide at this point of time.
no choice but to work harder and harder.

so yes, all my days were spent revising and studying
totally no God in my life
except when saying grace?
no quiet time, no worship
totally NOTHING
and i can even tell aubrey on sat that service is wasting my time?!
this is so super not me!

i had a long long talk with mr er today.
regarding some stuff and somehow
i think God just came into our conversation
he reminded me the importance of quiet time
and i admit to him that i haven do qt since sch reopen!
siggh.
what is christianity all about?
RELATIONSHIP with God.
why i can't trust God?
because the relationship isn't there!
how true ahhs...

so i came home, slept, woke up, eat and study at the same time
then i started worship
not for very long though.
and the song is how can i keep from singing.
and yeah, i felt refreshed a bit
but a big portion of me want to go back to reality
that is to face this huge mountain of prep work for A levels...

somehow, i managed to complete what i set out to finish.
i thought i couldn't, so i told limin and aubrey i not going cg tml.
suddenly, God reminds me of the word, DESIRE, what mr er said also
how true. how much do i desire to seek God?
how much do i desire to go for cg?
if i have the DESIRE, God will move.

so, the usual me start testing God again
ermms. dun do that. its kinda badd.
i tell God, I HAVE 6 chapters of bio revision to do
and it is 9pm.
how am i going to finish everything by wednesday if i still go cg.
somehow, GOD REALLY MOVE!
(:
i completed 5 chapters and left one for tml...

and a big question just pop into my mind again
will this be possible without God?
nope. so yeahh. God is still great after all.
of course, we cannot determine God's values via circumstances..
but somehow, all this circumstances really teach me a lot.

i believe in what mr er said. all things happen for a reason.
i guess God is really testing me this time round
am i still willing to keep this relationship now that i did so badly for common tests.
serve me right for testing God again and again huh..
most impt know that in all circumstances,
who am i?
A CHILD OF GOD!
when he said that, i can feel tears in my eyes!

i am really convicted that God is real and alive after going thru so much with Him.
but now, the impt thing is so what if he is alive?
am i really following him etc...
i want to be a christ follower in my HEART, not BRAIN!

i really wann thank God for putting all the ppl in my life.
those encouraging ones who is always there to encourage me on.
my cg, elaine, pf, xw, ron, mr er, mdm lim, sarah...
and the list goes one.
and even those thorns in my life, i know that God put them to grow my character.

a lot of little blessings that God really did today despite knowing i did so badly.
first was the understanding from mr er and the super ultra long talk which really bring me back to God.
then there is elaine, aubrey, emelia, limin to ask me not to be discouraged etc.
then there is a random sms from xiaowen, asking me nt to stress myself up
then there is sarah, who encouraged me on too when i felt so zzz.
then there is ms ong, who patiently explain to me what is telomeres even though she know i nvr listen to her lecture. -.-
then there is ms goh, who scolds me to wake me up to face the reality and showing me all the dumb mistakes i made.
then there is ronald, who although suan me, but yeahh, that's the truth. i got to work hard.
then there is adeline, who brings me through gp lesson, when we talked crap through.
then there is jacqueline, thank God for protecting her.
then there is peifang lending me some bio tutorial
then there is my class ppl, coming to lib to study with me.
then there is jean, giving me some ovaltines. and yes, thats my breakfast and lunch!
and yeahh. the list goes on.
all this things really warms my heart
although i may reply short smses, but yeahh.
i am really touched!

aubrey, i know that u will be reading this.
see, no matter how bad we may be
God will still bless!
take time out to reflect and you will be amazed by what God does!
but of course, we need to repent and go back to God. (:

God, this is my DESIRE.
to serve you to love you with all that i have.
i need to start with qt qt qt qt qt qt!
yes. work can be left till tml.
but i dun wann miss out God.
its going to be hard, but i'll try.

why are christians so wierd?
why would they want to commit themselves to church?
this is a typical qn i asked when i was young
and now i know
because
GOD FIRST COMMIT TO US.

i can't imagine a life without God
so scaryy.
noone to turn to in the dark nights...
yes, thank God for God.

goodbye. strangely i am still not tired. its going to be 2.30
i shall do more bio till 4am
sleep a while then go sch..
maybe i can sleep a while during gp..
but i better not slp in math,
hah. cause i promised mdm lim to pay more attention!
lol.